A therapist moderates a conversation between a New Jersey mom who voted for Donald Trump and her nonbinary child to learn about how the 2024 Presidential Election fractured their relationship.
I went through this exact situation with my mom, and one of the most annoying parts of it (and the most dangerous part, in my mind) is the way that my mom refused to believe any of the threats against trans people were real, despite all the evidence I presented her. It's not just the Project 2025 thing, it's all the statements Trump has made, his promise over a year ago to end trans healthcare and criminalize doctors, his lies about kids getting surgeries in schools, not to mention the wave of anti-trans legislation in red states and the numerous anti-trans bills Republicans tried to force into spending bills in 2023. But my mom told me all of that was nonsense and I was buying into fear-mongering.
And this is where the true betrayal is. When choosing between your own child presenting verifiable legislative facts and video clips of real threats, or Donald Trump... they choose Trump over their child. And Donald Trump hasn't even tried to pretend he's on the fence about trans rights, he's been VERY vocally clear. They spent $200mil or more on anti-trans ads. And yet parents and friends of trans people just expect us to be silent and allow them to choose that guy, that's the "agree to disagree" compromise they ask for. These are facts, they aren't up for debate. And our rights shouldn't be either.
I gave my mom a ton of chances to just listen, read the articles, look at the legislative maps, watch clips of Trump's speeches... but she buried her head in the sand and sold me out. How does a relationship recover from that? Well... probably doesn't.
We have the right to call it quits on relationships that harm us, even if it's parents. We are under no obligation to maintain relationships with those who hurt us and then gaslight us when we share the facts and truth with them about how they force us to suffer.
Oh I totally agree. It's just difficult, because aside from the feelings of sadness and abandonment, in my case there's the added complication that my ex and toddler son live with her, which has gatekept my ability to have a relationship with him. We're in different countries, and being trans causes legal issues, so there's nothing much I can do but accept that the loss of my mom really means the loss of my whole family, present and future. But that's what fascism can do, it destroys families and friendships.
Republicans don't believe their Trans and queer family members are being targeted for discrimination and violence by Republicans because they refuse to admit to choosing Trump over their own flesh and blood. This produces a break in perception of reality and leaves them stuck in cognitive dissonance. They refuse to take responsibility for their actions so they refuse to believe the GOP is persecuting LGBTQ Americans with over 1200 anti-Trans anti-LGBTQ state level bills proposed since 2022 and dozens more prefiled for 2025 (32 in Texas, 17 in Missouri ALONE). Not to mention multiple new federal policies, executive orders, administrative rules changes, and congressional bills that will effectively ban at the federal level most Trans people from the military, federal employment, and from public life, and also remove or impinge LGBTQ rights to adoption, family protection, reproductive healthcare, and more.
So they blame US for the oppression THEIR party is dishing out, as if somehow it's all our fault for not fighting hard enough against THEM.
I don't see one step taken by the mother to examine her own position here. Sage clearly states their fears and their mother is quickly dismissive of their fear. US laws and legislation are gravitating towards making life as a LGBTQ+ person more difficult. This is something that president elect Trump and his allies have advocated for. That is a fact. Acknowledging something along those lines would go a long way. Their mother's response seems dismissive of Sage's very real fear.
No hate to this parent cuz they clearly have a lot of work to do emotionally and educationally. And this response is so incredibly common.
It's infuriating to me that our "allies" or parents claim that they "love us" and then center their own comfort over our safety. The second they are needed to speak up, they gaslight us into thinking that "what's actually happening isn't that bad". It is this bad for many of us.
It's been this bad. It's going to get worse for many of us. Anyone who claims it's not bad has chosen to ignore the hundreds of anti-trans laws being pushed, or simply don't care. We don't need empty platitudes or dismissal of our lived realities, we need them to believe us when we say that our rights are at risk and then do their own research to see why we're concerned.
Seems like this mother does not want to be wrong, but if she wants to maintain a relationship with her child she will need to look deeply into herself and put herself in her child's position, and understand how she is wrong and pushing her child away. She will need to educate herself to be able to see things from her child's perspective. And truly listen to what her child says they need from her, and give it. It is hard to do, to admit to yourself and others you are wrong, but on the other side of that admission is a deeper and unconditional love and understanding of yourself and your child. Making a genuine and sustained effort to use "they" when referring to their child would be a great place to start. It is hard to be wrong, but it is a part of being human. The best thing I ever did was all of the above, when my daughter needed me.
The facilitated conversation represented a good first step. But there was no follow-up. Distance returned and seems to have hardened. Each individual might benefit from individual therapy to clarify their individual concerns and improve listening and comprehension skills. This is not a mother-child treatment situation. Each is an adult. Each must find a way to let go of their mental image of the other and try to see them more clearly as an individual possessing agency; not as a role they once occupied.
I went through this exact situation with my mom, and one of the most annoying parts of it (and the most dangerous part, in my mind) is the way that my mom refused to believe any of the threats against trans people were real, despite all the evidence I presented her. It's not just the Project 2025 thing, it's all the statements Trump has made, his promise over a year ago to end trans healthcare and criminalize doctors, his lies about kids getting surgeries in schools, not to mention the wave of anti-trans legislation in red states and the numerous anti-trans bills Republicans tried to force into spending bills in 2023. But my mom told me all of that was nonsense and I was buying into fear-mongering.
And this is where the true betrayal is. When choosing between your own child presenting verifiable legislative facts and video clips of real threats, or Donald Trump... they choose Trump over their child. And Donald Trump hasn't even tried to pretend he's on the fence about trans rights, he's been VERY vocally clear. They spent $200mil or more on anti-trans ads. And yet parents and friends of trans people just expect us to be silent and allow them to choose that guy, that's the "agree to disagree" compromise they ask for. These are facts, they aren't up for debate. And our rights shouldn't be either.
I gave my mom a ton of chances to just listen, read the articles, look at the legislative maps, watch clips of Trump's speeches... but she buried her head in the sand and sold me out. How does a relationship recover from that? Well... probably doesn't.
We have the right to call it quits on relationships that harm us, even if it's parents. We are under no obligation to maintain relationships with those who hurt us and then gaslight us when we share the facts and truth with them about how they force us to suffer.
Oh I totally agree. It's just difficult, because aside from the feelings of sadness and abandonment, in my case there's the added complication that my ex and toddler son live with her, which has gatekept my ability to have a relationship with him. We're in different countries, and being trans causes legal issues, so there's nothing much I can do but accept that the loss of my mom really means the loss of my whole family, present and future. But that's what fascism can do, it destroys families and friendships.
Land of the Rainbow Sun, I'm so sorry to hear. All my best to you and yours and may your days be ever better.
Republicans don't believe their Trans and queer family members are being targeted for discrimination and violence by Republicans because they refuse to admit to choosing Trump over their own flesh and blood. This produces a break in perception of reality and leaves them stuck in cognitive dissonance. They refuse to take responsibility for their actions so they refuse to believe the GOP is persecuting LGBTQ Americans with over 1200 anti-Trans anti-LGBTQ state level bills proposed since 2022 and dozens more prefiled for 2025 (32 in Texas, 17 in Missouri ALONE). Not to mention multiple new federal policies, executive orders, administrative rules changes, and congressional bills that will effectively ban at the federal level most Trans people from the military, federal employment, and from public life, and also remove or impinge LGBTQ rights to adoption, family protection, reproductive healthcare, and more.
So they blame US for the oppression THEIR party is dishing out, as if somehow it's all our fault for not fighting hard enough against THEM.
I don't see one step taken by the mother to examine her own position here. Sage clearly states their fears and their mother is quickly dismissive of their fear. US laws and legislation are gravitating towards making life as a LGBTQ+ person more difficult. This is something that president elect Trump and his allies have advocated for. That is a fact. Acknowledging something along those lines would go a long way. Their mother's response seems dismissive of Sage's very real fear.
No hate to this parent cuz they clearly have a lot of work to do emotionally and educationally. And this response is so incredibly common.
It's infuriating to me that our "allies" or parents claim that they "love us" and then center their own comfort over our safety. The second they are needed to speak up, they gaslight us into thinking that "what's actually happening isn't that bad". It is this bad for many of us.
It's been this bad. It's going to get worse for many of us. Anyone who claims it's not bad has chosen to ignore the hundreds of anti-trans laws being pushed, or simply don't care. We don't need empty platitudes or dismissal of our lived realities, we need them to believe us when we say that our rights are at risk and then do their own research to see why we're concerned.
Seems like this mother does not want to be wrong, but if she wants to maintain a relationship with her child she will need to look deeply into herself and put herself in her child's position, and understand how she is wrong and pushing her child away. She will need to educate herself to be able to see things from her child's perspective. And truly listen to what her child says they need from her, and give it. It is hard to do, to admit to yourself and others you are wrong, but on the other side of that admission is a deeper and unconditional love and understanding of yourself and your child. Making a genuine and sustained effort to use "they" when referring to their child would be a great place to start. It is hard to be wrong, but it is a part of being human. The best thing I ever did was all of the above, when my daughter needed me.
The facilitated conversation represented a good first step. But there was no follow-up. Distance returned and seems to have hardened. Each individual might benefit from individual therapy to clarify their individual concerns and improve listening and comprehension skills. This is not a mother-child treatment situation. Each is an adult. Each must find a way to let go of their mental image of the other and try to see them more clearly as an individual possessing agency; not as a role they once occupied.
Elisa, I wish you peace and strength. 💜